It's been 2 weeks since I've heard from dear old bMom....
The angry adult side of me wants to just say FU and forget about her. I mean who the hell does she think she is playing with my life like this?
But the child in me who has searched for 48 years wants to know why she couldn't love me. Then and now. Why she kept my older sister and why she gave ME away.
I know the sound of the mail truck like my dogs know the sound of the treat jar.
Waiting.....Waiting.....for her letter.
I am held prisoner by her and it is not a position I am used to being in.
This fog of depression and helplessness threatens to take me over yet again.
From her 1st cruel rejection to her last letter I am on a roller coaster that she is driving.
My entire summer has been a waiting game, a search that has gone nowhere. Hours and hours spent at the computer searching for info and clues.
All the things I wanted to do this summer have passed me by and I can't recapture that time.
I am so angry at her for this and angry at myself for allowing it. This doesn't just affect me you bitch!
My granddaughter feels it too, my lack of energy, my sadness, my ache.
She needs me to be a consistent figure for her and your selfishness is robbing me of that. For that I hate you!
And I hate myself even more for allowing you to control my emotions.
And then there is the tiniest glimmer of hope as I listen for the mail truck to bring me one of your letters...........
And so I wait.................................................................