Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Waiting Game

It's been 2 weeks since I've heard from dear old bMom....
The angry adult side of me wants to just say FU and forget about her. I mean who the hell does she think she is playing with my life like this?
But the child in me who has searched for 48 years wants to know why she couldn't love me. Then and now. Why she kept my older sister and why she gave ME away.
I know the sound of the mail truck like my dogs know the sound of the treat jar.
Waiting.....Waiting.....for her letter.
I am held prisoner by her and it is not a position I am used to being in.
This fog of depression and helplessness threatens to take me over yet again.
From her 1st cruel rejection to her last letter I am on a roller coaster that she is driving.
My entire summer has been a waiting game, a search that has gone nowhere. Hours and hours spent at the computer searching for info and clues.
All the things I wanted to do this summer have passed me by and I can't recapture that time.
I am so angry at her for this and angry at myself for allowing it. This doesn't just affect me you bitch!
My granddaughter feels it too, my lack of energy, my sadness, my ache.
She needs me to be a consistent figure for her and your selfishness is robbing me of that. For that I hate you!
And I hate myself even more for allowing you to control my emotions.
And then there is the tiniest glimmer of hope as I listen for the mail truck to bring me one of your letters...........
And so I wait.................................................................


2 comments:

  1. Wow-- This post def hits home with me!!! We def share so much. I waited 16 years for a letter from my birth mother, listening for the mail truck like you.. Same draining emotions, and no one to understand or share them with. Back them blogging wasnt around, or if it was I didn't know about it. Couldn't talk to the adopted parents, they would never understand. Now I will never get that letter I was promised because she died in 2010. My birth sister wanted me at the funeral, and I went states away to attend only to never be listed in the obituary and I am sure NO ONE at that funeral felt like I felt, and none of them would have understood. She rejected me to the fullest,and in return I was like you.. had that glimmer of hope that ONE DAY she would just embrace me as her daughter just one time.. It never happened. Now instead of greave her death, I greave the relationship we never will have. For me it's harder to grieve the relationship we never will have than it was her death. Only makes sense to me. Being accounted for as nothing at her funeral was very hurtful. One thing I can say to you is never feel like your alone. I remember sitting there waiting, day after day, year after year... It's horrible. #adopteeloveforever! Praying for you, and thinking about you!!! XOXO @freesimplyme

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry we have this in common :( ((((hugs))))

      Delete