It's been over a month since I've heard from "Mommie" To say that it doesn't hurt is a lie.
How can a mother, MY mother be so cold? All the childish fantasies I had about her have been ripped to shreds.
She never was looking for me, she never wanted me and is less than thrilled that I found her.
How do I live with being rejected and unwanted AGAIN?
What kind of human being hurts someone at such a deep level and where do I go from here? Where does the pain go?
For now I put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
I'm doing a side route around her to contact other family members. I finally reached out to my sister but she has been just as reluctant as my mother. Which opens up a whole other level of hurt.
She's the one Mommie kept, older than me, whiter than me, better than me?
I can't take from her that which was never mine to begin with. I am no threat to her, I just wanted to know her.
But after her lukewarm email I am second guessing that too!
To have a life long search end like this is heartbreaking to say the least and makes me wonder if I've wasted my time after all.