Saturday, August 25, 2012


It's been over a month since I've heard from "Mommie" To say that it doesn't hurt is a lie.
How can a mother, MY mother be so cold? All the childish fantasies I had about her have been ripped to shreds.
She never was looking for me, she never wanted me and is less than thrilled that I found her.
How do I live with being rejected and unwanted AGAIN?
What kind of human being hurts someone at such a deep level and where do I go from here? Where does the pain go?
For now I put one foot in front of the other and keep going.
I'm doing a side route around her to contact other family members. I finally reached out to my sister but she has been just as reluctant as my mother. Which opens up a whole other level of hurt. 
She's the one Mommie kept, older than me, whiter than me, better than me? 
I can't take from her that which was never mine to begin with. I am no threat to her, I just wanted to know her.
But after her lukewarm email I am second guessing that too!
To have a life long search end like this is heartbreaking to say the least and makes me wonder if I've wasted my time after all. 


  1. So sorry that you are having to go through this!

  2. You can feel lucky though that you didn't lived with her as I did with mine - My fights to get her to love me - seeing her love to my baby brother og sister. She gave away my big brother and the sister after me. I was the one she couldn't get rid of. You see the point. I know it is not a comfort for you but think of it?... Kind regards