Friday, July 6, 2012

When I was a little girl I used to lay in bed at night,stare at the moon and think of my Mother. In my mind she was a beautiful brown haired Gypsy searching the ends of the earth for me. 
I would drift off to sleep convinced she would find me....Someday.
Fast forward 40+ years and discover she never was looking for me.
A hard pill to swallow.
I have been an angry adoptee most of my life. Never understood how anyone could give a child away like a pair of pants that don't fit anymore.
Sure I've gone on with life, married, had kids, married again, lost the only parents I ever knew. But I never stopped being that angry kid, that unwanted kid.
The effects of being in a "Childrens Home" for 4 months before being adopted have been life long for me.
That feeling of alone~ness and abandonment have never left me. 
Every time I see that P.D.Eastman book "Are You My Mother" I want to fly into a rage or sink into depression.
I have felt like a boat aimlessly adrift in the ocean my whole life and I'm not sure that will ever change.
Adoption is FOREVER.....The pain, the questions, the secrets, the whispers. 
It never goes away, it never gets easier, the pain is always there. FOREVER!

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